Back in the days of year eight, when I thought changing my msn name to be in тнιѕ fσит ωαѕ ¢σσℓ and my music taste included System Of A Down and Anthrax (yes, really); I was convinced that I would grow up to marry Bam Margera. I don’t know whether it was his cheeky good looks, questionable intellect or general charm that had me spellbound, but I was hooked. Hours spent watching badly edited videos on youtube with CKY as the soundtrack, I would wonder to myself all the difficult questions like would I change my name to Margera, when we eventually did marry or would we be a modern, contemporary couple? I got into the Dudesons and had practically convinced myself that we would definitely meet. But, slowly as the year and his marriage wore on, I changed. I broadend, ever so slightly from System Of A Down and Margera began to wander to the back of my mind.
Through the next four or so years of high school, I would naturally develop other ‘celebrity’ crushes, but none of them lasted. I would travel fleetingly through the classics but they wouldn’t resonate like the aptly names ‘Bam’ did. I moved on, not constantly associating un-associatable words with him and Bam got knocked back into the corners. Weeks turned to months and what once was a constant, became little, with the intricacies and defeats of friendship rising to the forefront. Simple day dreaming was hurriedly replaced with the crushing blows of rejection, the frightening elation of things having potential and possibilties becoming real.
With the year coming to an end(ish), adulthood and all its connotations are looming closer, dauntingly. I guess only now am I realising that things are bigger than, well, just directly me. That things I percieve as harmless, someone else percieves differently, more seriously. When you’re older I feel like there are more ramifications for an action or actions. At the moment, I can lean back in my chair, feeling the seat creak beneath my weight and think, “well fuck Ruby, what you choose to do right now can actually affect people, it could break the foundation to which they’ve clung”. Or maybe not. Maybe I can just travel through life and nothing I do will ever change anything, never amount to anything or never flourish. This post had a dramatic shift in tone and I don’t know why, all I know is that if it was up to me, I would travel through life, simply dreaming of a future with Bam Margera.
